Why do we think we're flawed?

But really now,  why do we think we’re flawed?  Let’s face it, we’re human, we ALL have flaws.  Both seen and unseen. 

I struggled with buying clothes in larger sizes than I used to.  I have IBS, so I have to buy pants that are sufficiently comfortable, so I can’t squeeze myself into something smaller.   I can deal with that now.  It is what it is.  However… when I go to buy a bathing suit, or sometimes even shirts,  I have to buy a Large.  Now… I know I’ve gained some weight in recent years.  I can deal with that too, I’m over 30, my body has changed.  But I don’t see myself as ‘large’.  Medium yes, but Large?  Honestly, no.  It’s almost laughable, but then I think of the girls who are slightly bigger than myself that might be considered large-ish,   who will now need to buy XL or bigger, when they’re just not XL. 

Who decides what is large and small?  When I was underweight I could wear XS shirts.  But even looking back,  I should still have been a Small or Medium. 

I can buy two pairs of pants, from the same brand, in the same size, and they will both fit differently.  Case in point, I bought a size 10 capris and a size 11 capris from the same brand name.  The size 10 fits better than the size 11, which is too tight.  Wtf is up with that?  How much does THAT screw with people’s minds?? Especially those that are self conscious about it.  I am aware of my size, but not overly concerned about it.  But if someone is really preoccupied with their size and those numbers, it must be an absolute nightmare to shop.  For me it’s a nightmare because I don’t like to shop, and I don’t like to have to try on every single thing I want to buy. There should be some consistency within a brand.   I had a pair of jeans that I loved, which were size 9.  I ordered 2 more pairs, and guess what?  When they arrived, far too small.  I’m assuming that the original size 9 was mislabeled.  I hope.

Do I think the fashion industry does this on purpose?  Not directly.  Their models are what they see as ‘beautiful’ right now, not yesterday or in the future.  They are tiny, so the clothes are designed as such.   But are they the regular?  Absolutely not.  I have to say I may have met 1 person in my entire life that fits that concept.   Then we get into some of the ‘plus’ models.  I read an article the other day about a plus size model.  She was a size 12, with a smaller waist than me.  That is not anywhere near a real plus size. 

And it’s not just a female thing anymore, men feel the pressure as well.  But their sizes in clothes are more consistent.  They’re not as concerned with the numbers as women are, for whatever reason. 

But really, who set this standard?  Who said if you’re “…” you’re overweight, or ugly, or unacceptable by today’s standards?    I would hope that most of us know that the women on the cover of those magazines isn’t ‘real’.  The pictures can be airbrushed to make you skinny,  with flawless skin.  And then there are those blessed with flawless skin,  which is awesome! 

I try not to dwell on my body’s ‘flaws’ too much.  Of course there are things I don’t necessarily like (I have the knobbiest knees ever!)  but overall, I like my body.  Sometimes I question why I’m adding exercise and calorie watching to my lifestyle.  Right now I’m convincing myself that it’s for my health, which is partly true.  I’m almost 34, if I don’t start something now, it will be harder when I really need to in case I develop thyroid problems or diabetes, both run in my family.  But underneath that, there’s this little person that remembers when I was ‘skinny’.   I have to constantly remind myself that when I was ‘skinny’, I was also malnourished and uber stressed.  I was not healthy, physically or mentally.  The body I have now is healthier than before, and I’m happier than I ever was before.

Do you accept your body the way it is? With all it’s flaws?

sooo....

i havent been keeping up on my blogging 'duties' lately... 

I have however been tracking all my caolories (well 99% of them anyway)  and calories burned.  I honestly don't think I've lost anything yet from it all.  But, it's only been 2 full weeks!

thinking about it too much...

I think I'm getting a little obsessed, and it's only been not even 2 weeks of tracking.  Logically, I know that my eating habits are fine.  I'm watching calories, fat, etc, and I'm around average for what Spark 'suggests'.   I'm trying to work out at least 4 times a week for 25 minutes or so, and want to increase that. 

But all I can think of is,  'I could eat less'.. or 'maybe i should just get on the exercise bike for an extra half an hour or more to burn more calories'... 

Even though I understand it's most likely going to be months and months before i hit my 'goal' weight, i dont like the mindset of it all. 

I dont know.  as much as i want to lose these 20 pounds, the thinking seems unhealthy. 

omg

i think i ruined myself with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.  had no idea there were so many calories in the damn things!  i've been eating 1 almost every day for close to a year.  at least 2-3 times a week.  i may have to switch to natural peanut butter and scale it down :/

random acts of blogging..

anyone notice that magazines always accuse female stars of plastic surgery when comparing teenage pics to mid 30s or over pics,  but never say anything about the guys??  our faces change, as well as our bodies.  surely they've noticed changes in themselves too?  

how much?

So now I'm pondering adding more exercise to my day to burn more calories.  the evening work out wipes me out pretty well, though i could probably do an extra 20 minutes if i rested in between work outs.  or, i thought maybe i should hit the exercise bike in the mornings (but i HATE mornings as it is..) 

if i can stick with it, i could totally see this being my new 'project' after i finish the current blanket i'm working on (i crochet)...  i suppose that's a good thing.   is it?

bah.

completely fell off the 'wagon' this weekend.  not that i'm being a nazi about what i eat, but being aware of calorie counts now makes it even more painfully evident that i'm not helping myself on indulgent weekends.  i didnt count anything on saturday or sunday,  it would have been pointless. 

actually pondering partial vegetarianism at this point.

hmm

I'm finding it harder to get myself to blog.  But tracking calories is easier this round. 

I have to say though, it's discouraging when I read up on the 'math' of calories, how much you burn during the day, during exercise, and how much you have to burn to lose a pound.  Though I did read a bit where you have to exercise more than 20 minutes to burn fat.  so, I think next week I may try adding extra Wii Active workouts here and there. 

How do people do this?  I mean, honestly, if I didn't lose any, I'm not going to be too broken up about it.  I'm not unhealthy.  But what about the ones who are at a very unhealthy weight and need to do something about it or see their health worsen?  I don't think I ever really understood the 'math' of it all. 

It's all fine and good to tell someone not to eat as much, but if you're counting calories, it's maddening. Just tracking for the last week, it just seems weird.  What do you mean my teensy cranberry and vodka added almost 200 calories and messed up my 'goal'??   What do you mean that pear added xx calories??

but we'll see where I am in a few months too.  Having a bit more stamina will be good, weight loss or not.  but let's be reasonable, I want the belly fat gone.    Which tends to send me down the vanity/self absorbed path of thinking. 

bah.

So I thought easy would be better to start out than at medium.  I was right.  Today was still painful, but not  *quite* as much as yesterday.

Pretend running, soccer, and mountain biking suck. 

well.. here we are.

So this is the start.  They say you have to start somewhere, so this is one of them.  The basic point of this blog is to track my physical activity and possible weight loss.  It’s a bit odd, as I’m not so concerned about actual numbers as I am how I feel about my body.  I was always a bit underweight (and unhealthy).  Once I started to eat healthy, I gained weight.  This was ok for awhile.  In the past year I’ve taken on a new job where I sit most of my day.  I’ve gained more weight, most specifically around my middle that I Dislike, greatly.  The rest of me?  Not so bad.  I’ve actually got a butt and boobs now, where it used to be just bones.  I like that.  But that belly fat drives me nutty.  Add onto this that I’ve had IBS since my mid teen years and I bloat horribly.  Even if I had no fat on my tummy, it would still stick out.  I can handle that too.  But add that on top of the belly fat, and again, Dislike.  

Thing is, I hate exercise.  Hate it.  Not sure why, but the thought of taking even half an hour of my day and putting it to exercise seems so.. blah.  Don’t get me wrong, I like the way I feel when I do it.  But it’s the dislike that makes it hard to stick to a program.  I’ve started and stopped over and over and over.

I will also be starting a new Spark account soon,  as I like the way they track things. 

This will also be a bit of me running my mouth where other places I may not want to do that for fear of offending someone in my other social network life.    Pondering, wondering, and dreaming.   And some ranting. 

(also just a note… I have never used this blogger before.. so expect it to look weird for now!)